No More Blues - Singers

by Minim
This is the second post of the new jazz humour feature - now titled 'No More Blues' (thanks to Rafa for coming up with the name). These posts will hopefully give you a laugh and provide a little light relief from the serious stuff we get into on here most of the time and will feature my favourite real-life anecdotes and jazz jokes.
Let's start with a true story:
A singer I work with from time to time was doing a gig in a sparsely populated hotel lounge. The people in the room hadn't come for the music and the band was being pretty much ignored. Nevertheless, being professionals the musicians still tried to give the best performance they could and after one song, the singer was heartened to hear what sounded like somebody applauding coming from somewhere near the bar.

This had been so rare over the course of the evening that she made a bit of fuss over the microphone, saying thanks and mentioning how glad she was that the music was being enjoyed and how it meant a lot to the band. Scanning, the room and trying to locate who was clapping, she suddenly went ghostly white and then beetroot-red as she realised what had happened. The 'applause' had been nothing more than a man at the bar brushing salt off his hands after he'd been eating peanuts...
And while we're on the subject of singers, a couple of my favourite singer gags...

A pianist and a vocalist are on a duo gig, and right before they start a tune they play every night, the pianist says to the singer, "How about this for an arrangement; I'll play my normal intro, but I want you to come in after only seven bars, and pitch the first five notes a minor 3rd below the key I'm playing. After 11 bars of my solo, go to the bridge, and sing it a fifth above the written melody. Finally, on the last verse, change key five times and take the coda 3 bars early."

The singer, stunned, says, "What?!? I can't do that!!"
To which the pianist replies calmly, "Why not? You managed it last night..."
How many female singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, she stands and holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around her...
Why can't female jazz singers ever complete a major scale?
Because it always ends up as "Do, Re, Mi ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!"
And before any vocalists get too offended - don't worry, I shall definitely be picking on all instrumentalists, musicians and drummers eventually! :-)
http://playjazz.blog.co.uk/2009/12/17/no-more-blues-singers-7587972/